Weird Thoughts

"I'm not ready to die".

Those were the first words I spoke to Mike when we woke up this morning. Naturally he was shocked and croaked a weak, "Huh??? What are you talking about?"

Apparantly this is not the way to start a day or a conversation.

I had been lying awake for about 20 minutes (thanks to a nice wind/rain storm beating down on the windows of my kids' rooms. Alie woke up crying but then passed out immediately after that.) I couldn't go back to sleep, although I tried. Somewhere in my half-conscious but wandering mind it occurred to me: I am between 21 and 22 weeks pregnant. This is nothing new...I've kept track of the pregnancy, but in this odd moment I realized that Jenna was right around this week number in her pregnancy when she passed away from Leukemia. Don't ask me why I made the link like this, I just did.

Of course, once I made that connection, I couldn't stop thinking of different things. From the day she was diagnosed with Leukemia, I wondered what would happen in our family if I had a similar diagnosis. Who would take care of the kids? Who would help Mike balance everything? We have no family here, but we have dozens of fabulous friends and church family. I'm sure they'd help to some degree. I've thought these things frequently when I think of Jenna's story. I think it's part of the sobering reality that you can't always be prepared for everything that life throws your way. Sure, these thoughts were not new to me, but something clicked in me this morning. I lay there while my family slept and wondered if I, 21 weeks pregnant, were ready to turn my life in.

Jenna wasn't given the option. She fought like mad. I remember praying on hands and knees, in tears, hoping that God's plan was the same as ours. Asking Him for Jenna' healing, if that were His will, but desperately hoping that it WAS His will. I had convinced myself that it was His will, given her other children and husband and the fact that He had made her so strong.

It was not. Someday we'll know why, but today is not that day.

Today is, however, a day to remember a friend, to respect the fact that we are not promised another tomorrow, and to live life not in accordance to a harried To Do list, but in a way that cherishes our Father, our family, and our friends.