Freedom

Ok, so I haven't blogged in well over a year. I've been a little distracted, to say the least.

But today begins a new adventure in this blessed and crazy life. I dropped off our youngest two kids for the first day of their Mom's Day Out program. This is Alie's third year there, and sweet baby Nate's first year. I was extremely elated and a little apprehensive about having 11 hours of free time each and every week. I'm sure you can understand the elation part. The apprehension was a bit of a surprise for me though. Of course, there is the typical apprehension that is standard operating procedure that all mommies must take up with themselves. Is the youngest going to be ok? It's an awfully long time for him to be gone from mommy. I'm not so sure about the cost of two tuitions. This is her last year before kindy...shouldn't I just keep her home and snuggle?

But then the deeper apprehension set in. At its core is the unnerving realization that I have NO idea what to do with myself.

Yes. Laugh. Sounds ridiculous, right?

When pre-registering Nate back in March, I fantasized about all the fabulous and functional things I would do with my free time. I would grocery shop sans kids. I could clean without little fingers splashing in the toilet bowl. I could make appointments without having to worry about childcare. Or I could have a toy-free, crayon-free lunch with friends. Oh, the possibilities!

Today though, I was convinced that the only thing I wanted to do was to stare at the wall for no less than one hour, and simply enjoy the silence. After drop-off (which went miserably for Nate, by the way), I tried it. I sat on my couch for 4.2 minutes before I decided that there were more worthwhile pursuits to be followed. The ticking of the clock was bugging me, and for the first time in eons, I realized that the refrigerator makes noise when it runs. Shocking.

I couldn't possibly sit there, knowing that we were on our last roll of TP in each bathroom, and that I had used the very last scrapings of peanut butter for the kids' lunches today. For a deal hound like me, to be on the last of anything is a little unnerving, especially things as critical as these. It appears that grocery shopping is being promoted to the top of my "Have-to-but-Don't-Really-Wanna-Do List." (I have several lists...the aforementioned one, my "Have to/Want to List", my "Don't Have to and Don't Give A Rip About List", and my "Don't Have to, but I'd Rather be Doing List".)

I suppose this free time thing is something that takes a little time to master for some. I know there are a million things that I can and should be doing, but it's a little overload for me. I have the worst time making decisions, and having all these options lying right there in the open is a bit of a mental minefield for me.

I can assure you though, I most certainly am not going to clean out the closets today.